A s a youngin’ I attended a small white private school nearly all my life with a few blacks sprinkled in between like seasoning on baked risotto. It wasn’t until I reached the 11th grade that I was thrust into the educational wilderness of society known as the public school system and forced to socially harmonize with people I’ve never been around.
My habitat had drastically changed. What I was once familiar with was no more. For the first time in my life I was surrounded by people from different walks of life…Blacks, Whites, Hispanics, etc. etc.
I went from sharing a classroom with kids 3 grades ahead of me to sharing an entire classroom with classmates only in my grade. My 4th block algebra class made up my entire student body at my previous school. I never used a locker and treated the combination like some mathematical Rubik's cube safeguarding all my unfinished homework and over-sized textbooks. I skirted up and down the halls with my schedule in a death grip for weeks praying I don’t get lost…again. I wasn’t making any friends…you get the idea.
High school wasn’t exactly the highlight of my life. As someone who didn’t know his self worth much less his “self” I did the only thing people with those weaknesses do in that situation.
Fitting In
Adjusting to any new environment is a basic natural human instinct.
Over-adjusting however is an instinct only shared by the secret society of people-pleasers.
I say secret because most people don’t know (or don’t like to admit) that they’re people-pleasers.
After my first day of Real World: High school, without mentioning anything to my friends or family, I turned my application in. Discretion was key.
All I had to do was get people to like me and I could go back to enjoying life again. Problem solved…or so I thought.
This desperate attempt to be liked wreaked havoc on my self growth; turning a major part of my social life into a sham.
If there was a book a book on this sort of thing it would probably be titled something like “People Pleasing: A Guide To Completely Destroying Any Chance You Ever Had At Knowing Yourself And Connecting With Others”.
It’s a playbook I drew from faithfully with tips like:
- Agree with people you don’t know over something you don’t like….so they can like you.
- Avoid conflict at all costs because peace is more important and arguing is draining.
- If someone has anxiety make it your responsibility not to trigger it.
- Go out with your friends every time they ask so you don’t look like a lame.
- Let your boss/manager A-town stomp all over you and justify it by telling yourself you’ll be your own boss one day.
- Always say “yes” or “I’ll think about it” to something unless you’re literally on fire or your limbs are missing.
Here’s the scary thing about people pleasing.
It actually works.
To an extent.
People Pleasing Doesn’t Include You
When I first moved in Atlanta a few years ago I went through countless verbal abuse sessions with my boss. It was my first big boy job in a big city and I didn’t want to ruin my claim to fame by standing up for myself or speaking out. I kept a cool head, remained positive and continued going out of my way to impress him.
It started working.
He’d sometimes call me in his office to talk about baseball and polo games. Two sports I have absolutely zero interest in. I’d rather crawl up a slide backwards than play them much less talk about them but I couldn’t let him know that. I’m in prime people-pleasing form and saying what you mean and how you feel is strictly forbidden.
Not long after I was promoted to manager. New office. Bigger salary. I got what I wanted. Everyone was hella proud of me including my family.
Me on the other hand?
I never been more miserable in my life.
I created a nice cozy prison for myself equipped with a window view and an infinite supply of fake praise.
It starts working…until it doesn’t. Your world comes crashing down like an apocalyptic tidal wave because nearly every “connection” you’ve made and every experience you’ve shared with your people pleasing audience is a lie.
Your performance is over, the curtains close, and suddenly you don’t even know who TF you are anymore. You’ve faked so many smiles, agreed to so many things you hate, went to so many places you didn’t want to go that you’ve now created this monster who you can’t even identify.
That monster is you.
But it’s really not.
Lost In The Sauce
It’s just an assimilation of other people’s fears, opinions, desires, interest, and agendas overwriting your true self.
The main ingredient of what makes you you is…..you guessed it.
You.
And yet you’ve let other people muddy up you recipe by allowing them to throw their own seasoning in the pot for the sake of being liked.
You’ll end up hating yourself trying to be liked by others.
It’s interesting then that in our society the people who are the liked the most secretly hate themselves just as much. I wonder why?
When you people please you step into a very vicious cycle. It appears to work at first. It lulls you in. People start liking you. You fool yourself into thinking you’re actually being nice. You start getting invited to things. Your sense of self-validation sky rockets. You become drunk off of fake love and acceptance.
Then you sober up and reality hits. Which is a good thing.
So allow me to further contribute to your sobriety.
There’s nothing nice about being a people pleaser. It’s selfish, self-sabotaging and manipulative.
I wanted the acceptance from my peers so I could feel good about myself (selfish), I allowed someone to dismantle my self-respect for the sake of a promotion (self-sabotage) and I faked countless interactions to get my boss on my side (manipulative).
If you’ve been paying attention you may have noticed there’s one reoccurring theme that’s the single source of all this people-pleasing madness.
Lack of self-worth
The desire to be liked stems from a self-worth void.
If you’re a struggling people pleaser there’s only one piece of advice I want to give you because it’s the only one you’ll ever need.
Know your worth.
No one who truly knows their own self worth will allow others to discount it.
They know their self worth because they’ve spent time getting to know their self by being their self. Read that twice.
You can’t know something you neglect.
You can’t go anywhere if you don’t stand up.
You can’t make real friends being fake.
Repeat those words in your head when you get tempted to fold. We aren’t perfect. It’s something I still struggle with but not nearly as much because I took the necessary steps to put this toxic trait in check.
Conclusion
You can know your worth and be liked to. In fact you’ll be liked and respected more because people are naturally drawn to authenticity. Doing favors for people and people pleasing are not the same. Remember people pleasing is deeply rooted in a desire to self-validate. That desire stems from a lack of self-worth. People pleasing has an agenda attached to it and in the end the only person that’ll be left off of it is you.
